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My name is Shuwen
Shuwen is my name
I am Shuwen

I love photography, beauty, fortune, and worldly possessions.
I adore fawns, bunnies, starbucks, and eiffel tower.

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
Sophistication is part and parcel of life.
Life is like a book of unravelling mysteries.
My life is God's novel, God is the author of my soul.

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Oh yay! A new day, new semester, new classmates. I'm so excited~ Ah, bullshit! Apparently, I am not myself today. I am not liking everything, every single arrangement. How I wish I could elaborate and share my feeling in this tiny space, but I've been staring here for the past one hour and just couldn't find the right words to describe my day. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not really about having the ability to embrace change, rather it's more like something have been bothering me really badly.

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." -Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Am I afraid of failure. Well, no. However the consequences terrifies me. Very often my way of settling my own problems is mostly by avoiding them. I am confident that this is the way to go. But now, for once, I've never felt so helpless fighting the deceit of my own mind. It's not just about not making a right decision. In fact I am, or rather, everyone seem to be pleased with that decision I made. But now, I've never felt so haunted by this terrible feeling that I do not know how would I describe it. Is it guilt? Folly? Self-reproaching? Why did I give up? Why did I choose to leave? All these questions, I just... I just don't know how to answer them anymore! Sometimes the more I force myself to eliminate those people from my life, the more I feel worst when you see them around the campus. Those people had afterall been such a blessing to me. It's always people, the people who treated me too kind that I am bounded to move with the memories of them dangling in my head. And you know what's so scary? Melancholy is dragging me deeper like how I was being submerge from surface of the sea to the depths of the ocean floor. This aching feeling, it gradually suffocates me, so much. Even spending my longest quiet time with God is not helping. Though I am standing strong, but I'm losing the joy to life. It's so ironic that I allowed all these shit to happen yet I couldn't handle the consequences of my own shit.

For now, hopefully a good night sleep will make me feel better.
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